Aug 132018
My anxiety physically hurts

Just a quick one. I have talked about me getting well again, getting back to the old me after suffering with Postpartum Psychosis, But one thing that has hung around like a bad smell is my anxiety.

Day to day it’s manageable, heck sometimes it even decides to give me a day or two off. Then some days, like today its crippling. I get physical pain in my stomach, It causes me to have diarrhoea (nice!) as my body goes in to the fight or flight response, getting rid of all bodily fluids.

I have woken up today at 05:55 AM, sneaked out of bed where Karl and Kayden are still in dreamy slumber (yes Kayden still comes in to our bed every night at around 1am! It’s on my list of things to tackle). I had instant anxiety as soon as I opened my eyes meaning there was no chance of going back to sleep,  Not a clue in the world why!

Sometimes I think not knowing why I feel like this makes it worst as I can’t pin point whats causing it therefore I can’t reduce it. I have made a coffee (I know, caffeine wont help, but I NEED coffee) and I turned on Good Morning Britain,

I can’t even think straight! Why the hell can’t I just enjoy the morning, having a bit of peace and quiet listening to a rant about Boris Johnson on the TV? Why does my brain feel the need to race over 1000 thoughts about nothing in particular. Its days like today where is makes me feel grateful. Grateful that I don’t feel like this every single day like some people do.

The few months after getting out of the mother and baby unit, I felt like this EVERY single second of EVERY single day. It pains me to remember those days. Anxiety is defiantly not understood enough by the general public, a nice bath with candles will not work! I find that breathing exercises can work sometimes, but as soon as you stop and try to carry on with your day the anxiety quickly builds up again. I’m quite lucky, mine usually only happens in the morning and lasts a few hours.

The only way I can describe this feeling is the moment if the feeling you get before stepping in to the most important interview of your life! My hands go clammy, my stomach hurts, my thoughts race with no clarity and I end up being dizzy for a few hours after.

I get days like these once or twice a month. It makes me tired and moody for the day. My poor heart doesn’t know whats going on! it’s beating like it’s running a marathon, mind u I do have to run to the loo a lot!

My brain often gets confused between excitement and anxiety. Its my birthday on Friday (yipee) and we have booked the week off to do lots of family activities. I’m super excited for the plans we have, so maybe that’s adding to my feelings this morning.

With anxiety I find I need to power on and try to get through the day as normal as possible. If I let it, it would disable me for the entire day!

Anyway best crack on!

x


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